Virginia Beaver

Life Coach and Trainer

Empty Nest Syndrome – How to Cope After the Kids Leave Home

By

The 6 R’s for Battling Empty Nest Syndrome

Who knows what this is?  I have heard of it before but never really understood how debilitating it could be.  I am here to tell you that Empty Nest Syndrome is real and it can be as serious as any other form of depression especially if it is compounded by major life changes.

We have had a lot going on in the last three months with moving, not having a place to call home and our children leaving the nest.  We had a foreign exchange student, our daughter and our son living with us for the last school year.  We knew everyone would be leaving in the summer but had no idea how that would really feel when they left about the same time.

Not only was the nest empty, the nest was not stationary because we moved into an RV.  I had a huge hole in my day-to-day life that was not being filled by work, dogs or even my honey.  I began to realize that this hole was familiar; it was the same emptiness as when we tragically lost our son to suicide.  The Dallas Morning News said Arnold Palmer’s death left a void.  Anyone’s death leaves a void! Void is defined as “completely empty.”  That is how I felt.

If you have ever been depressed, you know that feeling.  This was not my first dance with depression so I was not completely lost or over whelmed.  I knew what it was and why I was feeling what I was feeling, however, that didn’t make it any less real or painful.  I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t have much energy for work.  Here are some things that helped me:

  1. Recognizing it for what it is.
  2. Respecting it and giving myself permission to mourn.
  3. Remembering that I was not alone.
  4. Rekindling friendships and connecting with others.
  5. Rejuvenating by reading, walking and/or meditating outside.
  6. Reaching out to my Life Coach.

Love is always the answer.  When we love ourselves enough to give ourselves grace, compassion and empathy, we are able to heal and come back stronger, wiser and more loving for ourselves and others.

I would love to serve you in the process of getting on the other side of any struggles you are having in your life.

How to Have the Best School Year

By

10 Steps to a Great School Year with Your Child(ren)

Going back to school can be exciting and stressful for children and parents.  Here are 10 steps to the best school year, ever:

  1. Use Rule #1 Take Care of Yourself
  2. Love the child you are with – Whatever is going on with your child, it could be useful for their growth– Be non-reactive.
  3. Be Patient with yourself and others by providing empathy and grace.
  4. Keep it simple – The more activities, the more things that can go wrong.  It’s simple math, the more variables, the harder the problem.
  5. Don’t take things personal.  Your perspective is going to be different than others (child, spouse, teacher, principal, etc.) and visa-versa.
  6. If someone is upset, it is not about you.  Let it (anger, frustration and resentment) go.
  7. Housekeeping (internal and external) can wait until you have the energy and/or the time.
  8. Divvy up the chores.  Children learn responsibility and build confidence when they contribute to the household.
  9. Save the lectures/lessons for when everyone is in a good place.
  10. Have fun!

Simple yet not always easy.  It would be my honor to assist you in making this the best school year, ever.

Virginia

virginia@virginiabeaver.com

How I Moved Our Family Without Stress

By

family moves with low stress

5 Things That Helped Move Our Family

Summer time can be a good time of year to move your family.  However, if you are moving yourself and you live in Texas, it can be grueling.  We just moved ourselves last month to four different destinations.  Our son moved in with my mother, and we moved our family stuff into an RV, a rental property and a house.  The rental property and our house are being renovated so some of our stuff had to be packed for storage.  As you can imagine, it has been quite an ordeal.

The hardest part was the purging, packing and figuring out what goes where.  We started in May with the hopes that we would have enough time to get moved at the end of June.  However, life got in the way and we barely made our deadline.  Remembering and practicing “Rule #1 Take Care of Yourself” we got some outside help with packing and moving the heavy furniture.

I was determined to make this process as painless as possible for everyone.  Keeping in mind that there is no such thing as a painless move and that this would be an opportunity for me to practice my relationship skills.  I also know that where there is pain, there is growth.  Here are some of the things that were helpful:

  1. Taking care of myself physically, mentally and spiritually.
  2. Preparing, planning and organizing for the move.
  3. Communication daily, hourly and sometimes even moment to moment.
  4. Being patient with myself and others by providing empathy, grace and forgiveness.
  5. Prayer and/or intention to love each other through this process.

The stress of moving can be overwhelming under any circumstance due to the work involved and loss of what is familiar.  Even when the move is for a good reason or we are excited about the new location, it can still be a challenge.  As with any challenge, it is important to be clear about what we expect and understand that our perspective may not be the same as the other people involved.

It was still hard and things did not always go as planned.  We were hot, fatigued and frustrated. My immature self wanted to have a fit and give up.  There were a few times that we got short with each other which gave us an opportunity to apologize.  For the most part, everyone was a team player and no one got mad or quit.

The move is not over and I don’t like not being settled in a home with a yard for the dogs and my office set up.  I am not sure when that will be or what it will look like. However, I am grateful that we have each other and that we are healthy!

If there is a family or personal issue that you are struggling with, it would be an honor to serve you in finding resolution and peace.

Why We Have the Relationships We Have

By

love-hands-heart

Improve Relationships | 5 Insights

Wouldn’t it be nice to have insight into how to have relationships?  I recently read a book called “The Celestine Prophecy” by James Redfield and it gave me great insight for how to have healthy relationships.  It is a non-fiction story about someone that goes to Peru to find a manuscript that prophesied about an emerging culture.  This emerging culture is spiritual and allows us to live more freely with purpose.  It helps us understand why we have the relationships we have and how they move us in a new and important direction.

The “insights” in the manuscript are a step by step process that is supposed to help us realize why we are here and how to enjoy life to the fullest.

  1. Become more conscious of the coincidences in our lives and realize that chance encounters are events that happen for a reason.  We cross paths with people so that we can experience, learn and teach each other something. These synchronistic events demonstrate that there is a purpose for everyone.
  2. Pay attention to our thoughts. The manuscript proposes that the physical universe is one of pure energy, an energy that responds to how we think.  We can change our world just by thinking positive thoughts or thoughts of love/oneness/connection.
  3. Open up to the pure energy that the universe has to offer by spending time in nature and appreciating it’s beauty. For example, have you ever noticed a surge of energy or sense of love from watching a beautiful sunrise or sunset?  When we consciously fill up with energy (love/appreciation/wonderment), we are able to connect with each other in a more positive way.
  4. Identify self-defeating/immature behaviors that compromise relationships and change them. Energy flows between humans and when we feel insecure, weak or fearful we tend to compete for that energy.  That is why it feels like energy is being drained from us when we experience conflict in a relationship.
  5. Make positive interpretations of our interactions with each other. Our perception is as unique as our fingerprints.  As we open up to synchronistic events and become more aware of our thoughts and behaviors, we amplify the energy and have a heightened sense of awareness.

With each new level of awareness we become more dynamic, which facilitates better intuition about where to go and what to do.  The manuscript suggests that our bodies will evolve to ever higher levels of energy and perception.  This allows our purpose or destiny to unfold so that we can complete our personal growth and spiritual missions.

When enough of us enter this evolutionary flow of always giving energy (love) to everyone we meet, we become co-creators of something better.  Better generations of people and a new culture that interacts and empowers each other to have mutually healthy relationships.  Relationships that help transform us into our better selves.  We will have more energy and be less attached to the physical things of this world.

I found a lot of insight in this because it helped me to see that we can improve our relationships by; being open to every chance encounter, becoming more aware of our thoughts and actions, and taking in and putting out positive energy.  As we will build a sense of oneness and create connection, it has the potential to transform us so that we can support and lift each other up.  This will help improve relationships generation by generation and create an emotionally healthier culture of people.

Our relationships are in our hands.  Every relationship is a blessing, the more difficult, the greater the opportunity for growth.  I know this because I have struggled in my relationships.  I would love to hear your thoughts!

What to do When Your Partner Parents Differently

By

I wish they would agree to disagree!

I wish they would agree to disagree!

Tips on Parenting with a Partner

Have you ever heard the saying; there is more than one way to skin a cat?  There is more than one way to raise a child.  Just because your partner parents differently, doesn’t mean they are wrong or that your children will be messed up.  Building the relationship is the most important part of parenting.  Connecting and communicating with love and respect goes a long way in co-parenting.

There will be disagreements and sometimes even arguments about how one parent is handling a child related problem.  As long as the disagreements are short lived and have low energy associated with them, they can model healthy relationship skills.  It is when they become high energy and long lasting “right” fights, that arguments can damage relationships and children’s psyche.

Parenting style is as unique as each parent.  Believing that parents have to be on the “same page” implies that there is only one way to parent.  Unfortunately, that requires one parent to be right and the other to be wrong.  Then a lot of energy is spent on trying to change the other parent’s perspective which is virtually impossible.  These irreconcilable differences have been the cause of many divorces and consequently harm the children more than inconsistent parenting styles.

Here are some tips on parenting with a partner:

  • Accept that there will be times that you don’t agree on parenting styles.
  • It is okay to be different.
  • It is more important to honor your relationship and give grace than it is to be right.
  • Children are more open and respectful when they see it modeled in a marriage.
  • Remember how important your marriage is.
  • Make sure that you are not being manipulated by your child.
  • Be mindful of your similar goals in raising your children.
  • Celebrate your mutual love for your child(ren).

How Physical and Emotional Growth Have Similarities

By

Hire A Life Coach for Emotional Growth

Most people are aware of what it means to change their physical health through personal training.  What I realized recently is that physical and emotional growth, have a lot of similarities.  When we set out to get in shape physically, we don’t realize how hard it is until we get started.  Emotional growth is the same.

At first we start out on our own with a pair of new shoes.  If that doesn’t work,  then we might join a class.  Then for better and faster results, we may hire a Personal Trainer.  For emotional growth, we get a self-help book or watch a few videos.  To get motivated, we may join a group of like-minded people but if we want faster, better results, we can hire a Life Coach.

When I first joined the gym, I was so excited about taking Zumba.  I just knew that I was going to have fun while I was getting in shape.  Unfortunately, I was so out of shape that I pulled a muscle in my back.  It was discouraging because it slowed down my conditioning and I was tempted to stop or go the easy route.

Fortunately, I had a buddy to keep me on track and teach me about body strengthening.  We started going to yoga and body pump class.  Proper stretching and strengthening my whole body helped to heal my back and prevent injuries.  The knowledge she shared gave me the training that I needed to move forward and make progress in my physical training.

Similarly, when I first began my quest for personal growth, I was very excited to live my life differently with new skills that I had gotten from trainings that I had attended.  As I began to change what I was doing, I realized it wasn’t going to be easy.  I would get my feelings hurt and would slip back into the old habits (just like in Zumba).

I wasn’t making much progress and it was very discouraging.  I started working with a Life Coach and that gave me the knowledge, encouragement and the consistency I needed to change my life and get the results that I wanted. I would be honored to help you do the same.
Virginia
Life Coach and Trainer

happy-new-you

Why is it so Hard to Admit to Making a Mistake?

By

Mistakes = Knowledge

What Can We do When We Make a Mistake

Maybe we have a belief that intelligent people don’t make mistakes and that our intelligence defines our worth.  So, if we or our children make mistakes, then we might feel like we are “not good enough” and don’t deserve someone’s attention, time or love.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.  If we didn’t make mistakes, we wouldn’t have the benefit of learning from our experiences.  If we aren’t learning, we can’t gain knowledge. Knowledge does not determine whether or not we are lovable.

Someone once said that “It is the fear of looking stupid, that keeps us from being awesome.” In other words, the fear of making a mistake paralyzes us.  If we don’t try, we miss the opportunity for learning from our mistakes.

 

So the question becomes, how can we and our children become more knowledgeable unless we make mistakes and are allowed to experience the consequences?  The consequence will do the teaching as long as it comes after empathy and is either; natural (a result of the mistake), logical (created by a loving authority figure) or self-imposed.  For example, a natural consequence for a child that forgets their lunch money, would feel hungry at lunch time.  A logical consequence for a child that forgot to call their parents when they were going to be late, could be staying home the next time they want to go somewhere without their parents.

 

A self-imposed consequence for our reactive behavior could be apologizing for our over-reacting, by simply saying: “I’m sorry.” A more effective apology could have the following elements:  Responsibility, Recommittal and Restitution.  It would sound something like this:

 

  1. I made a mistake and I want to apologize for _____________.
  2. Our relationship is important to me.
  3. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?

 

In this process, it is important to not make excuses, blame or use “but” statements.  Communication is 93 % body language, tone and facial expressions, therefore it is important to be sincere when delivering an apology.  If you are not willing to do what is suggested in step #3, you can ask for another option.  Try to come to an appropriate way to make amends.

Hardest Part of Being a Parent

By

What is the hardest part about being a parent?

For me, it is confidence.  There seems to be a lot of pressure around being a parent.  Of course, we don’t want to “mess” up our children and no matter how hard we try, we don’t seem to feel like we are doing it “good enough.”

Parenting is the hardest and most important calling along with being in a relationship or partnership; it’s natural to want to do a good job.   So, how do we find balance in providing the love and discipline that children yearn for without feeling the pressure?

We can ask for advice, read books and ask Google but techniques that may work for one child, may not be appropriate for another.  Every child brings their own challenge along with their unique personality.  We can experiment with one technique, skill or tool at a time.  If it works, repeat it until it becomes natural.  If it doesn’t work, try to figure out why and change it up a bit.

Once we get one or two tools working, we tend to calm down, feel more confident and are able to connect and communicate better with our children.  At first children may be confused and skeptical of the new parenting style.  Eventually they start to feel safer, more loved and are less likely to test limits as we gain more skills.

To learn how to do this and have fun parenting, contact me with questions or specifics.  I am here to help!

Virginia

When Children Act Out

By

 tempertantruminstore

What to Do When My Child is Out of Control

Children act out because they feel out of control, inadequate, and/or unsafe.  Temper Tantrums, eating disorders and self mutilation are ways that children “act out.”  Parents can become confused, fearful, embarrassed and sometimes angry when they feel they have no control.

Humans have an innate need for control.  When that is threatened, we fight back to gain control.  Acting out is a way to gain control.

As parents, we can either give up some control or lose all of it when our children “act out.”

Giving children choices is a way to share the control without giving it all up.

How to give choices:

·         Choices should be age-appropriate.

 ·         Give choices when things are going well (lots of deposits into the “control” account).

 ·         Give two choices that you can live with.  Ex.  You can clean your room Saturday or Sunday.

 ·         Be willing to allow the child to have the consequence of the choices they make.

 ·         Be careful not to turn the choices into a threat (you can either clean your room or lose TV time).

 ·         If they do not choose within a reasonable time (10 seconds for most), choose for them.

The delivery of choices is important.  Non-threatening choices, offered in a calm, non-hysterical manner, give children a chance to take some control over their problems.

To learn how to use “Magic Phrases” so that your choices don’t sound like threats, join us for the “Becoming a Love and Logic Parent” class in your area.

I am here to help, feel free to contact me with questions or specifics.

Lying

By

hearnoevilseenoevilspeaknoevil

What makes children/us lie?   

Sometimes we will lie to see if we can get away with it.  If lying is met with a high energy response (yelling, anger or frustration), it reinforces the behavior.  Remember, if children/we want or need attention, negative attention is better than none.  This is true with any behavior, for example cussing, acting out in public, and defiance.

Children also learn to lie from watching the adults in their life lie or not tell the whole truth.  To them there is no difference between a “little white lie” and untruths.  Sometimes we get caught in a lie when we don’t know how to communicate the truth in an age-appropriate manner. We reinforce this undesirable behavior if we tell children to keep a secret or if they hear us tell someone we are “fine” when they know we are sick, upset, etc.

We will lie when we are afraid to tell the truth or when we don’t want to disappoint parents, friends, teachers, mentors or our spouse.  We lie to protect ourselves and others from getting hurt.  In other words, the truth can be riskier than the lie.

Lying can become a habit (chronic lying) through conditioning (check out my blog about Learning).

What can we do?

  • Respond to lying with empathetic consequences in a “matter of fact” way, without arguing.
  • Give children the attention they need when things are going well.
  • Model telling the truth (age appropriate), even when it is uncomfortable.
  • Make it safe to tell the truth by listening without judgments or over reacting, no matter what they say.
  • Let them know that nothing they can do will make us love them anymore or any less.

I am here to help, feel free to contact me with questions or specifics.

Stay Connected With Us

Testimonials

Substitute Teacher

"I am so thankful that I met Virginia and have had her for a (Love and Logic) coach. The seminars are good...
2017-02-08T17:14:04+00:00
"I am so thankful that I met Virginia and have had her for a (Love and Logic) coach. The seminars are good but they cannot cover everything. That is why it is critical to have a coach to help you when unexpected things come up. Otherwise you are left in the dark wondering “What do I do with this situation?”" Beverley

Chuck L. Rockwall, TX

There are times in our life that we need help. Virginia can help you get out of your head and...
2016-10-28T23:16:50+00:00
There are times in our life that we need help. Virginia can help you get out of your head and back into your heart.

Dave R. Richardson, TX

Virginia is awesome! I highly recommend her counsel and classes!
2016-10-28T23:16:10+00:00
Virginia is awesome! I highly recommend her counsel and classes!

Jena A. Frisco, TX

I highly recommend Virginia for anyone having difficulty inside their relationships, especially family like husband and children, but really all...
2016-10-28T23:05:56+00:00
I highly recommend Virginia for anyone having difficulty inside their relationships, especially family like husband and children, but really all your personal relationships.

MP Allen, TX

I loved the Love and Logic class. Virginia is a great teacher, she is patient and has a gift for...
2016-09-08T21:25:43+00:00
I loved the Love and Logic class. Virginia is a great teacher, she is patient and has a gift for really listening, understanding your situation, and giving you some very practical ideas so you can make time with your children more enjoyable and teach them life-long lessons.

Anonymous: Plano, TX

Felt successful with the stop arguing, ownership of problem, and enforceable statements techniques.  Overall, my stress level with kids is...
2016-05-26T16:41:36+00:00
Felt successful with the stop arguing, ownership of problem, and enforceable statements techniques.  Overall, my stress level with kids is reduced.

JG

"I took the Love and Logic course when my son was 18 months so that I could learn how to...
2016-02-29T21:26:50+00:00
"I took the Love and Logic course when my son was 18 months so that I could learn how to work with his biting and pushing and how I could better handle stressful situations. Virginia taught me through Love and Logic how to address  my son to get more successful  outcomes.   This a very effective class and I highly recommend  it for parents  of young  kiddos and older. In the class the parents  with teenagers said that their  new Love and Logic practice helped them significantly  communicate with their child by giving them the options to make choices for themselves  and for them to learn  what's right and wrong on their own terms.  I learned to calm down and tweek my approach when talking to him. Finally, he doesn't  bite and we have a much better relationship."

Encouraged Parents

"Miss Virginia is an excellent teacher. In the class, she encouraged parents to discuss among themselves and come up with...
2015-10-26T21:03:24+00:00
"Miss Virginia is an excellent teacher. In the class, she encouraged parents to discuss among themselves and come up with solutions. She also gave extra time after class to make sure we understand the ideas. I started putting those suggestions into practice. Since I am not owning my kids day-to-day problems anymore, my stress level came down significantly."

GP

Thanks so much. It's been wonderful.The format of the class was exactly what I needed. The book is good as...
2014-11-19T23:04:44+00:00
Thanks so much. It's been wonderful.The format of the class was exactly what I needed. The book is good as a reference, but the group dynamics, discussion and your lesson plan were what really made it "actionable".